How My Brain Works…

This is a song that caught my attention while watching The Prince And Me.

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I Hope That I Don’t Fall In Love With You
Tom Waits

Well I hope that I don’t fall in love with you
‘Cause falling in love just makes me blue,
Well the music plays and you display your heart for me to see,
I had a beer and now I hear you calling out for me
And I hope that I don’t fall in love with you.
Well the room is crowded, there’s people everywhere
And I wonder, should I offer you a chair?
Well if you sit down with this old clown, take that frown and break it,
Before the evening’s gone away, I think that we could make it,
And I hope that I don’t fall in love with you.
I can see that you are lonesome just like me, and it being late,
You’d like some some company,
Well I’ve had two, I look at you, and you look back at me,
The guy you’re with has up and split, the chair next to you’s free,
And I hope that you don’t fall in love with me.
And I hope that you don’t fall in love with me.
Now it’s closing time, the music’s fading out
Last call for drinks, I’ll have another stout.
Turn around to look at you, you’re nowhere to be found,
I search the place for your lost face, guess I’ll have another round
And I think that I just fell in love with you.

Drowning in my pool of thoughts
Searching for reason and meaning
While feeling my sanity fade
Along with my whole being

Why can life be cruel at times?
It gives you waves to test your might
You risk a lot to prove your worth
Still you end up with your face in dirt

Does heaven really exist?
That state where perfection reigns supreme in the midst?
Or is it just a myth that makes us believe
That life can be a lot better than this?

And while these questions kept flooding my mind
You came along and moved them aside
You braved the winds and calmed the storm
You saved me from being alone

But then you showed me more it seems
You taught me to smile and dried my tears
But most of all you gave me love
And that is the greatest gift I got

Now my days are brighter than ever
Because of you I see them clearer
You brought changes I never knew could happen
The then impossible became a friend

Things aren’t always all that smooth
I still have troubles from my youth
But now I know I can get through
I’m much stronger because of you

If anyone asked me then if heaven is true
I would have said it isn’t because that’s what I knew
But all that changed, I now know better
Heaven exists, it sent me an angel

To my angel here on earth, this one’s for you

Hush…
Listen to what silence says
It makes a sound that echoes in the head
Close your eyes
Hear it loud
The sound lingers all around

Hush…
Free your mind and clear your thoughts
Let silence be the host
Take a breath
Even breaths
That tranquility may give you rest

Hush…
Through the quiet hear the music flow
Feel serenity replace your woes
Lose your angst
Stay at peace
Let silence put your soul to sleep

We are powerless beyond our being…
The hold we think we have on others is merely a manifestation of our influence.  How they choose to act is their own.  In the same manner, what we choose to do or how we choose to do things is our responsibility and no one else’s. 

The key word is choice…
We all have choices even if we say we don’t.  We may act in so many different ways or we may not act at all, but among these, there is always a choice to make.  And a choice made is a power exercised, and a commitment accepted.

Stars twinkling in the midnight blue
The moon shining down on you
The wind humming
The sea whispering
Horizon endless in the dim
Yet you know naught any fear
For everything is serene
Your spirit soars
Running free your thoughts
In the stillness of the night
Along with the pale moonlight
Crying out your pain
Tears shedding like the rain
But through the moonbeams they shine
Reflecting the starlit sky
And so hope floats
For as the moon continues to set
And the stars hide behind the dawn
The sun follows to rise
And tomorrow begins on morn

Another year has gone
Another one enters
Should I put closure on the year that was,
And turn the key on the one before me?
I’m not sure if I’m ready…

Now a year older
Hoping a year wiser
Leaving the mistakes behind
Armed with the lessons learned
I’m not sure where to turn…

Tears, heartaches, and pains
Changes, changes, and even more changes
All I mostly detest
Still they won’t seem to rest
I’m not sure if they mean to last…

The light of hope still peeps
Rain clouds dissolve in mists
Passion runs ablaze
Pure love still waits
I’m not sure until when they can stay…

Will everything be the same?
…better?
…or worse?
Will I win this game I play?
I’m not really sure…

All things I’m certain of:
A higher power exists;
Beginnings and endings will never be missed;
The world keeps on turning;
Life goes on living.
And through it all,
Love continues to be the greatest force ever to come into being

Cheers to wisdom gained over the years!

THE SERENITY PRAYER

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. 
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen. 

It’s been a long time since I last updated this blog. Was I too busy?  Yes, partly…but the main reason for my absence was my valued privacy.  What occurred over the last couple of months were worth telling, I know.  But somehow, a part of me wants  those events to just stay hidden…not for the others to know, but for me to keep.  I don’t know but for some reason, I feel that if I just blurt them all out and let them be known, I unleash this negative force that would stay floating around me, teasing me, mocking me, making me even more vulnerable to everything it touches.  Most of you may not understand what the hell I’m talking about, and it probably doesn’t make sense at all, so let’s just leave it at that and move on…

A lot of things happened to me
over the past months…things I would rather have be permanently deleted
from my memory bank.  Oh, God knows what I would give for that option…because despite the fact that there were still some exceptionally treasured moments, there were, I should say, quite several that I preferred to have happened in
so very different ways, if only I had the choice.  I had been nearly the worst person that I can possibly be in those past months…I felt an anger so strong, it almost consumed me…I thought of revenge in the worst possible kind…I harbored hatred that haunted me in my dreams, and those were only during the times when it allowed me to get some sleep…During my long silence, I fell all the way down rock bottom with a big loud thud.

You would think that you could never rise up again from the quicksand that keeps pulling you down…what, with the force of gravity joining its cause, how could you?!  Hope may not really be in sight at this point because you would think that only a miracle can save you during this crucial time.  Well…maybe so, but miracles still do happen…even if it may seem otherwise.  I should know…because in the most unexpected time, and in the most unanticipated moment, the miracle I had hoped for and long dreamed of happened to me.  It’s too good to be true that until now, I still can’t believe it’s real.  But who am I to question a wonderful blessing?  All I know is that today, everything fell into its proper place, and to say that I’m just happy is completely an understatement because no single word in the English dictionary can describe how I feel at this very instant.  Because of this, I can honestly say that whatever happened to me during these past months is inconsequential compared to the uplift and rapture my miracle has brought me today…a perfect day that totally overshadowed bad, very horrible days all put together.

I know that with all my ramblings tonight in this blog, nothing was really said.  Forgive me for my selfishness, but what exactly happened to me that prompted for this entry is something that I want to keep and treasure just for myself…at least for the time being.  Perhaps a little later, but not just yet.  Right now, it is suffice to say that in my life, everything is happening the way I want it to be, and I’m loving every single minute of it.

Every cloud has a silver lining after all…
 

And to the person I love most…you will always be that silver lining…

"I lead a small life.  Well, valuable but small.  And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven’t been brave?" (Kathleen Kelly - You’ve Got Mail)

I’m an only child.  Growing up, I was used to being pampered almost all the time.  Though I too had my moments of getting some "discipline" (actually, I had quite a lot of that when I was young), a lot of people would still see me as a spoiled kid, a fact that I won’t deny.  Don’t get me wrong ‘cuz I’m not a brat.  I’m just used to getting almost everything at my bidding.  I’ve been sheltered, protected, and restricted, but I’ve been very well-provided.

I’m at this stage of my life when I’m starting to think…why is it that at the age of 25, I still feel like a kid…still sheltered…still restricted…still lost?  And I wonder, is it really because I like staying on this spot, the same spot that I’ve been accustomed with for as long as I can remember, or is it because I’m too afraid to test the waters and tread the path toward the unknown? 

I hate being a coward.  And now, it seems that that’s what I am.  I know I could be more, if only I had the courage to get out of my own comfort zone and see what’s out there for me.  Right now, I’m going through this process of self-discovery and contemplation, and hopefully, at the end of it, I would be able to achieve what I truly desire, and reach my full potential so that I could be the best that I can be.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

I’ve been fascinated with penguins since I was a kid.  From the moment I saw a live one back in New Zealand when I was, I think, 7 or 8 years old, I’ve been wanting to have it as a pet.  I would imagine it running around our center table while constantly flipping its hands/wings/fins (I don’t know how you call it), then I would think of dressing it up with a bandana and a hat and take it for a walk on a leash around the neighborhood, and when it’s tired, it would just open up the fridge’s door and get inside.  I have a very sick mind, I know, but let’s just stick to the point that is, I so much love penguins…especially the emperor ones.

That is why I got so excited when I first heard about the movie Happy Feet, and that was about a year ago.  I got restless waiting for it to be released!  Finally, at long last, the time had come.  We saw the movie at Shangrila just last week.  Thankfully, the long wait paid off because the movie didn’t disappoint me at all.  It was so friggin’ hilarious, Mike and I were laughing our heads off!  The penguins were cute, as always, especially that chick who did a solo rap.  But Ramon, the chicano fowl (voiced over by none other than the talented Robin Williams), was the scene-stealer of the lot.  He’s got these really funny lines, of which Robin Williams is famous for, dished with an exaggerated Mexican accent that would surely drain your lungs from air with laughter!  I also loved their Spanish rendition of Sinatra’s "My Way", and the part where they sang a verse of Chicago’s "If You Leave Me Now".  Who would have thought that the penguins could pull those off?!  All the songs in the movie were perfectly put into good use, I would say!

But the thing that amazed me more was that there is a moral to the story.  At first, I thought the movie was just for laughs but apparently, it still had more to offer.  The lesson…Each of us is entitled to our own right, no matter how different we are, or how unconventional we are, for that matter.  Being not "one of them" could be really hard to get by at times, especially when they throw that to your face.  Adaptation is part of nature and is very critical for survival.  But changing the way you are just to please some narcissistic a-holes does not fall on that category.  Being different isn’t exactly a bad thing.  It gives meaning to the word "variation", and that is something good.  Think of the horror it would cause if the world is populated only with people like you.  Any direction you turn your head to, it’s just like looking at the mirror with your own reflection staring back at you.  That would really REALLY freak me out! 

One’s individuality should always be valued and embraced.  That includes accepting the fact that we may truly be different from the others.  It is only after then can we move on, and search for the one thing that will truly make us shine…and happy.

As for me, I’m still on my quest…and hopefully, someday soon, I’ll be able to get there. ^_^